The same should go for you when he returns the favor another night: Ideally, both of you will regularly take turns teaching the other delightful lessons in the art of orgasmic appreciation. Sex therapists say this is a better method, because it enables him to concentrate completely on what he's feeling, rather than on what he's doing. The other is to encourage him to lie back passively and let himself be pleasured by you. One is to tell him, as your lovemaking heats up, that you want this one to be all for him, that tonight he should do whatever makes him feel good. There are two basic ways to go about this. Encourage him to focus on enjoying himself without worrying about taking care of you. The solution? Give your man the night off. "Sex becomes a battle to make sure she has an orgasm, rather than a mutual sharing of enjoyment," says Barry McCarthy, Ph.D., a psychologist and sex therapist in Washington, DC, and coauthor of Male Sexual Awareness. By reining in their passion, many men deprive themselves of the sexual abandon that produces the strongest orgasms. Sex therapists will tell you that although this approach is admirable - better that men be too concerned with their partners' orgasms than not at all concerned - it can nonetheless constitute a form of voluntary sensory deprivation. "There are times when I just want to come, but basically my goal is for my wife to find every sexual encounter totally fulfilling." "Performing comes first my orgasm comes second," says Will.
The point is that a lot of men won't allow themselves to savor their own orgasm until they've accomplished that goal. A major part of the satisfaction men get from sex is the ego boost that results from making our partners go bonkers in bed. Then hold on for dear life.Ī good orgasm for a man is the sexual equivalent of a cold beer at the end of the workday: a satisfying reward for a job well done.
Tell your man how much you love him, and mean it.
Therapists can talk for hours about how to achieve true intimacy, but a good place to start would be in bed tonight. "It's about her showing that she really wants me," he says. Paul, a 35-year-old executive, talked about how his wife sometimes lovingly strokes his face as he comes. When asked what techniques produced his most intense orgasms, Richard fondly recalled lovers who grabbed him by his butt and pulled him tighter toward them, as if they wanted nothing so much as to completely absorb him.
The moment of orgasm is when those needs are most exposed, and men - even married men - can get nervous being emotionally naked. We men are really looking for the same things from sex that women are: love, acceptance, and intimacy. That's an avenue I expected would be number one on most men's hit parade. The surprise for me in interviewing men for this story was that only one of them said he enjoyed being brought to orgasm through oral sex. Will, 30, a bank administrator, for instance, says he sometimes finds he can't come at all if he's too worried about his job. That's why they're so sensitive to the environment slight changes in the wind can turn a 10-gun salute into a popgun. The biggest secret about men's orgasms, I think, is that they reveal how vulnerable we are. The fun - for him and for you - is in mixing up the following strategies to see what will work tonight. As sensitive as men are to skill and technique, they're equally powered by mood, setting, and timing.
It turns out that male orgasms are both as single-minded as they sometimes seem, and at the same time a lot more complicated. One warning before we begin: Be prepared for surprises, and for seeming contradictions. So here, finally, is everything you need to know about helping your guy have stronger, longer orgasms. It was as if they (the guys, at least) were just waiting for someone to ask. I went straight to the experts - a few sex therapists, lots of men. With this information gap in mind, I set out to discover what, exactly, makes for the most bone-rattling, foundation-shaking male orgasms, and what women can do to encourage their arrival. My guess is that the most women don't know this. What's weird is that, for all the attention it receives, the male orgasm doesn't get talked about in much detail despite the fact that there can be a huge difference in intensity from one to the next. Speaking as a male, I can't think of anything that remotely equals the thrill of an orgasm.